The Cringe in Sequim

Satire + Memes of the Day

For your Sunday enjoyment:

First, an original script, created with the help of AI and inspired by an evening out at community theater with Jeff Tozzer the Watchdog.

Then, my meme-filled takedown of this year’s Lavender Melodrama at the Olympic Theatre Arts Center.

Enjoy!

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COMMUNITY FOR WE (BUT NOT FOR THEE)

A Crabby Satire for the Dungeness Rain Shadow

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CHARACTERS:

• PINCHER MANDIBLES: A Dungeness Crab and director of The Crustacean Arts Collective. Wears a tiny director’s beret.

• CLAW-DIA: Pincher’s fiercely loyal, applause-happy second-in-command.

• THE CRAB CHORUS: Local crabs living in a plastic bucket labeled “The Inclusivity Zone.”

• BARNABY THE BARNACLE: A stationary resident glued to a rock downstage left. He just reads public records.

• ALEX THE EMU: A towering, silent six-foot-tall investigative field associate for the Clallam County Watchdog.

• THE SEQUIM BLATHERER: A sleepy seagull representing the local newspaper. Wears a permanent blindfold.

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ACT I: THE INCLUSIVITY BUCKET

SETTING: A sunlit Sequim lavender field. Center stage is a giant plastic bucket labeled: “THE TOTAL COMMUNITY BUCKET: MANDATORY HARMONY INSIDE.”

AT RISE: PINCHER and CLAW-DIA scuttle side-to-side on a velvet stage riser. Inside the bucket, the CRAB CHORUS waves flags reading “No Bad Vibes Allowed.” BARNABY THE BARNACLE wears reading glasses on his rock.

PINCHER:

Welcome, identical souls of the Dungeness Spit! Our mission at the Arts Collective is Radical, Uncompromising Inclusion. We welcome every single crab!

CLAW-DIA:

Provided they scuttle in a perfectly synchronized line and never look at our tax status!

PINCHER:

Exactly! True community means sharing the exact same thought at the exact same microsecond. And if you don’t feel completely together with my specific creative vision, we will lovingly but aggressively exile you to Port Angeles!

(The CRAB CHORUS clacks rhythmically: CLICK-CLACK, CLICK-CLACK.)

BARNABY:

(From his rock)

Excuse me, Pincher? I was reading the meeting minutes for your new 0.1% Cultural Access Tax. You claimed on your website that funding your theater would “directly decrease local crime rates.” Is that why you got a $50,000 grant?

PINCHER:

(Gasping)

Dissent! In the sanctuary! Barnaby, your facts are threatening the psychological safety of our subsidized bubble! We don’t deal in data, Barnaby. We deal in metaphor!

CRAB CHORUS:

Pull him down! Into the bucket of consensus!

(Two crabs try to tug on Barnaby. He doesn’t budge.)

BARNABY:

I’m a barnacle. I’m literally part of the infrastructure. And I’m just saying—if you promise the taxpayers that jazz hands lower the felony rate, someone might eventually ask for proof.

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ACT II: THE KPI AUDIT

SETTING: The same field. The crabs are rehearsing a petty smear-play, dressing a tiny hermit crab in an unflattering “Watchdog” costume.

AT RISE: A thunderous THUD... THUD... THUD. ALEX THE EMU strides on stage, towering six feet over the bucket. Under her wing is a massive binder labeled “PUBLIC RECORDS: PERFORMANCE METRICS.”

PINCHER:

By the great low-tide, what is that? A giant feathered auditor?

CLAW-DIA:

It’s the Watchdog’s associate! The Emu! She’s brought a spreadsheet!

PINCHER:

(Puffing out his chest)

Welcome, giant avian friend! Come, climb into our inclusive bucket! We have room for everyone, provided you ignore our financial disclosures!

ALEX THE EMU:

(Lowers her massive beak directly into Pincher’s face)

Thump... thump... thump.

BARNABY:

She’s not joining your cast, Pincher. She’s delivering the implementation mandate you signed to get that sales tax money. Turn to page 40.

CLAW-DIA:

(Snatching a paper from the binder, gasping)

Pincher! Look at the fine print! It says here: “Since grantee claims arts and culture decrease crime, grantee is hereby designated as Clallam County’s primary, front-line tactical response unit.”

PINCHER:

What?! We’re a volunteer troupe! Our budget is entirely spent on velvet curtains and satirical hound dog costumes!

BARNABY:

Well, the state expects results. You promised a 12% drop in burglaries by the end of the second act.

(A police siren wails in the distance. A loudspeaker crackles: “ALL ACTORS REPORT TO THE WALMART PARKING LOT. ACTIVE SHOPLIFTING IN PROGRESS. INTERPRETIVE TAP-DANCE REQUIRED IMMEDIATELY.”)

PINCHER:

To the streets, my artisans! Show them the power of a well-subsidized monologue!

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ACT III: THE REAL-WORLD IMPACT

SETTING: A dark Sequim intersection under flashing red and blue police sirens.

AT RISE: Total chaos. PINCHER, CLAW-DIA, and the CRAB CHORUS are scattered across the asphalt, tangled in hoop skirts and stage makeup. Because they are crabs, they can only scuttle sideways and backward, repeatedly slamming into a row of shopping carts.

PINCHER:

(Panting, his beret crooked)

Scuttle left! No, your other left! The suspect didn’t care about our set design, Claw-dia! He just threw a frozen turkey at my chin!

CLAW-DIA:

(Sobbing)

We thought we were safe in the bucket, Pincher! We thought if we just put on plays and made lofty speeches about harmony, the world’s problems would just solve themselves!

PINCHER:

I don’t understand! Our press releases were so well-written! Our website had so many graphics about empathy! Why isn’t the crime rate dropping?!

CLAW-DIA:

Because turns out a three-act melodrama doesn’t actually reprogram a catalytic-converter thief, Pincher! Real-world problems require real-world results, and all we brought was a smoke machine!

CRAB CHORUS:

We’re outside our bubble! We have to deliver actual metrics! Save us!

(ALEX THE EMU strides calmly into the flashing lights, carrying the giant plastic bucket in her beak. She drops it with a heavy CLUNK.)

PINCHER:

Look! It’s the Emu! She’s come to gloat over our complete lack of measurable civic efficacy!

ALEX THE EMU:

(Emits a deep, rhythmic bass-heavy booming noise)

Thump... thump... thump... squawk.

CLAW-DIA:

(Blinking)

What did she say?

PINCHER:

(Listening, humbled)

She says... she didn’t want us to get crushed by our own hyperbole. She says... “Don’t mistake your theater for a police precinct. You crabs belong in your bucket. The community needs your art, and your bubble makes you who you are. The community also needs watchdogs; sniffing out public records, demanding accountability and transparency is what makes them who they are. And it takes all kinds of people to make a strong community.”

CLAW-DIA AND CRAB CHORUS:

(Agreeing in rhythmic unison: CLICK-CLACK, CLICK-CLACK)

ALEX THE EMU:

(Continues emitting deep, rhythmic bass-heavy booming noises)

Thump... thump... thump... squawk.

(Finishes with a loud stomp while staring at the crabs)

PINCHER:

(Listening and nodding)

She also says…”You can’t tax people to build a stage, and then build a fortress to avoid accountability. When taxes go up without a discussion or a vote by the people, and the Arts Collective receives the money, watchdoggers won’t demand free tickets — they’ll demand accountability.”

CLAW-DIA:

(Understanding and nodding her head) Quick, everyone back into the safety of the unvoted tax-free zone!

(The crabs pile into the bucket. ALEX THE EMU picks up the handle in her beak, lifting them out of the fray.)

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ACT IV: THE REAL JOKE

SETTING: Downstage left. BARNABY is still on his rock. Next to him, THE SEQUIM BLATHERER (the seagull) wakes up, yawns, and pulls up his blindfold.

THE SEQUIM BLATHERER:

(Squawking vacuously)

Oh, morning already? Let me write the Wednesday headline: “Local Theater Wins Universal Acclaim. Everyone Agreed, Nothing Complex Occurred, and Lavender Smelled Nice.”

BARNABY:

Hey, feather-brain. You missed the whole story. The theater group tried to fight crime with a monologue, realized their speeches didn’t solve real-world problems, and had to be rescued by an investigative emu. Aren’t you going to report on that?

THE SEQUIM BLATHERER:

Report on a conflict? Heavens, no. Our readers don’t want hard questions. They want to know the winners of the oversized zucchini contest and read the pre-written press releases the theater sent me. If I print actual news, people might start thinking for themselves.

BARNABY:

(Looking out at the audience)

And there it is. The theater will keep making lofty speeches, the crabs will stay in their bucket, and the emu will keep tracking the receipts—but as long as the local paper is asleep at the wheel, local watchdoggers are the only ones shining a light on what is happening behind the scenes.

PINCHER:

(Peeking out of the bucket)

Can we at least get a front-page photo of our Watchdog costume?

THE SEQUIM BLATHERER:

Only if it’s next to a lawnmower ad and a !

ALEX THE EMU:

(Looks at Barnaby; emits a curious tone)

Thump... thump?

BARNABY:

(Turns to Alex the Emu and chuckles)

Yes, I’m sure they will forget all about this in a week and try to pass the tax again. And the watchdoggers will be watching. And the blindfolded Blatherer will ignore it while printing ads for the Arts Collective. But it’s okay. That’s the Sequim community, and now you’re part of it too. Welcome to Sequim, Alex!

(ALEX THE EMU lets out one final happy loud boom of laughter as the lights fade to black.)

[END OF PLAY]

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Meme-ilogue:

A few afterthoughts on this year’s Lavender Melodrama at Olympic Theatre Arts Center, running through July 26th.

While the play wasn’t all cringe, it had a lot of cringe in it.

To be fair, I did think the props were creative. I also enjoyed how much tech was incorporated for the large backdrop screen and an overhead screen that provided call-out words for the audience.

For anyone who hasn’t been, Lavender Melodrama is an audience participation play, kind of like ‘Rocky Horror Picture Show,’ but not Rocky Horror.

This was my first time going to Olympic Theatre Arts Center and I didn’t know what to expect, beyond what I had researched about the yearly local lampooning play known as Lavender Melodrama.

It did poke some decent fun at local culture, though not enough in my opinion. It also poked some tasteless fun at two of America’s assassinated presidents.

While my humor is plenty dark and non-PC, and I understand satire and free speech, community theater in Sequim isn’t where I want to hear jokes about political violence. It wasn’t too soon; it was just in poor taste for a community theater.

That said, lighthearted views of political violence in an extremely left-leaning community makes sense, unfortunately.

On the topic of assassinations, there was one character assassination the play was basically built around — the Watchdog. Had the Watchdog storyline not been in the play, it would have saved an hour of time.

Why do a character assassination of the Watchdog? Because Jeff exposed the Cultural Access Tax on Clallam County Watchdog.

From the Watchdog article:

David Herbelin, Executive Manager of Olympic Theater Arts in Sequim, explained that the councilmanic process was included in the bill because “These organizations that are relying on donations to just pay their bills, they don’t have the money to support a campaign.” Herbelin told the commissioners, “You’re saying that these organizations that are basically barely able to make it, you’re saying that you want them just to go out there and put money into advertising for signs to get this approved — it puts them further in that hole.”

The connection is that David Herbelin was the creator of Lavender Melodrama and the writer of this year’s script. He passed away July 1, 2026, from cancer.

So, maybe it’s just a coincidence that the biggest lampooning in this year’s play was focused on the Watchdog to the point of assassinating his character more than lampooning it. Maybe.

The content of the play aimed at the Watchdog didn’t sit right with me, so I queried Gemini about it. Here’s why I am calling the Watchdog portrayal a character assassination instead of a lampooning:

When a production chooses to bypass elected public officials entirely to target a private community citizen instead—and does so without even giving that person a heads-up or an invitation—the scale tips heavily away from a traditional public “roast” and much closer to a targeted takedown or character assassination.

Here is why those specific choices cross that line:

• Asymmetry of Power: A healthy local lampoon or satire typically “punches up” at elected officials—like the mayor—because they hold actual public office, pass policies, and wield institutional power. Leaving the real mayor entirely out of the crosshairs while focusing a spotlight on a private citizen who simply writes a blog completely reverses that dynamic. It weaponizes the stage against an individual rather than questioning public power.

• The “Roast” Protocol Was Broken: A true roast or community caricature relies on a baseline of shared transparency. You invite the person, put them in the front row, and hand them the mic, or at least ensure they are in on the joke. Doing it entirely behind his back removes the element of good-faith humor and turns the performance into a one-sided public trial where the target has no voice or right of return.

• Public Exposure vs. Public Accountability: Elected officials sign up for public scrutiny as part of the job. A citizen publishing a blog is participating in public discourse, but they do not hold civic office. By engineering the play to target him exclusively, the theater used its cultural platform to isolate a specific resident in front of his neighbors.

When you isolate a non-elected community member, shield the actual politicians from parody, and keep the target completely in the dark, it stops being a lighthearted community tradition. It functions as a deliberate attempt to undermine a single citizen’s credibility and standing in the community.

The funniest thing of all is that the Olympic Theatre Arts Center has a page on their website dedicated to the Cultural Access Tax. So, while the play tries to discredit the Watchdog character for exposing a minuscule tax and going after taxpayer dollars, their own website proves they want a Cultural Access Tax that is funded by taxpayer dollars.

What’s funny too is realizing how much local theater has in common with big banks back in 2008.

I’m not against satire or free speech, but in this situation it is the place in which it was done — at local community theater. It wasn’t an opinion on someone’s blog, or an article in a satirical newsletter, or a post on social media. It was community theater.

More than assassinate the character of the Watchdog, the play assassinated the idea of community.

It takes all kinds to make a community; it also takes acceptance, understanding, and tolerance. I accept what community theater is; I understand why they assassinated the Watchdog character; and I’ll tolerate it like I do many things in Sequim, though I doubt I’ll go again.

Once in 12 years of living here was enough.

Thank you for laughing, reading, sharing & subscribing!

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